Back when I was just a little thing, with tangled hair and chocolate smears on my face, I encountered my first memory of the male species. Now, you might think it's insignificant, but those days on the playground during recess can teach a person so much about love and dating. It all started after lunch in the cafeteria. I would dump the milk carton, stuffed full of the food I didn't eat, and send my tray along on the conveyor belt in the elementary school cafeteria, push the heavy double doors open, and head outside for the longest break of the school day. Skipping over to my friends to play tether ball, I was cut off by Richard, who stood in front of me and said those words that most elementary school girls would giggle over, "You better run, because if I catch you, I'm going to kiss you!" I dropped my popsicle and promptly turned and ran to the far end of the field.
He chased me like this for three weeks straight, always making the same threat. For three weeks, I ran at full speed, dodging kids, playground equipment, and aides, always fearful that he just might catch me and actually put his cootie-infested lips on me. The bell signaling that lunch recess was over, was the best part of those weeks. It meant I could return to the safety of my classroom, and my pod, which Richard wasn't in. I never could quite figure out what I'd do if he did catch me and I didn't understand why he was chasing me, or why he wanted to kiss me. Lucky for me, it didn't happen. After three weeks of solid running, he lost interest and returned to games of dodgeball and left me to my friends.
When I look back, I'm relieved that my instinct to run has always been there. Maybe I just have a difficult time seeing what others see in me, although I'm certainly not lacking in self confidence. Maybe we all just want what we can't have, which was what made Richard chase me for three weeks straight on the dusty playground. I ran because I didn't want him, which could have been because he clearly wanted me. Of course, I wanted Anthony, and he didn't know I existed, which is usually how it works.
I think sometimes our primitive playground games transfer to our adult lives and we follow the same patterns now. 28 years ago, I couldn't figure out why Richard was chasing me. 28 years later, I still don't understand why men are interested in me. Do they see something in me that I don't? Isn't there someone better suited for them?
In my life, I think I've run from every man who has ever been seriously interested in me. Do they call it playing hard to catch? I don't think I am playing. I've always assumed that the issue was with them, they weren't attractive enough or smart enough, and me? I'm both of those. They didn't care enough and I needed affection. There was no romance. They live too far away and I don't do distance. I've always thought that the guys who like me are "not my type." This cound be true. The men that I am attracted to are never the ones that are interested in me, outside of being a friend. Did I mention I'm a great friend? But there are always two sides to a story, and maybe I'm just afraid that I don't deserve their attention and affection. A great guy once turned me on to the quote, "We accept the love we think we deserve," and maybe I just don't think I am worthy. I've always hated to disappoint people, and maybe, once they get inside my world, they'll be disappointed. They'll quickly learn that I'm not someone exciting or special. I'm just the girl who wants to watch Netflix and knit after dinner. I can't understand why someone would be so attracted to me when they barely know me, so I'm positive that once they do, it will all be wrong. Maybe that's why I run.
At 33 years old, I'd like to think I've reached a point where I wouldn't run anymore. But that's not how it works. You can't think something into existence.
