This is how to be a heartbreaker...

Rule number one, is that you gotta have fun,
But baby when you're done, you gotta be the first to run
Rule number two, just don't get attached to,
Somebody you could lose..

You know the sucky thing about falling? You can't always expect that someone is going to catch you, and you spiral downwards and shatter into pieces too small for superglue. (Not that I'm allowed to play with superglue, but that's another story).

I've always maintained that love is just a chemical reaction. An increase in Oxytocin (females) or Vassopressin (males) causes us to bond with whatever member of the opposite sex we happen to run into. This isn't cupid's arrow - it's hormones. Different chemical reactions trigger different types of attachment: lust, passionate love, long-term attachment, and the inevitable crazy psycho.

Love at first sight? The inevitable spark? What's your thought on these theories? Love or lust? There's this psychological theory that one psychologist put out not too long ago that says the last thing we should look for in a mate is a spark. In fact, for people who have mostly unfulfilling relationships, that little spark, those butterflies fluttering in your stomach? Those are your body's warning signs - a telltale "Run! Run far, far away ad never look back!" (Isn't it hilarious when the chronic runner is justifying running with psychological studies?)

According to this psychologist: 

You need to walk away when you meet someone with whom you feel a serious spark. In such cases, the spark signifies that there is a part of you that is afraid that you couldn’t 'get' him or her to be with you, which triggers excitement and the attempts to try to prove to yourself that you’re good enough to get him or her to be with you.

So, there you have it. Don't justify that instantaneous spark as a reason to want something. Sparks start fires, and when you play with fire, you are bound to be burned.

Taking it back to me, I don't do the feelings thing. Feelings are scary. My motto has always been "Never love anyone more than they love you." It keeps me in the power position. Vulnerability? Not my strong suit. I'll take "love 'em and leave 'em" over baring my soul to another person and risk getting hurt. I don't try to meet people these days. It's mostly just amusing blog fodder that I can someday post.

And suddenly, all the love songs were about you.

Infatuation. It's the word of the day. It literally means "A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction." That's all this is, folks. Sure, there's a first time for everything. 

Is infatuation the first step to love? Psssh, if I had the answer to that, I could solve a lot of problems.

According to M. Scott Peck, "Real love is a conscious choice that often employs the rational part of our brains. Some couples have a "free ride" in the early stages of their relationship where they experience the intense feelings characterized by romantic love, but not everyone. And these feelings certainly aren't necessary for real love to emerge as the relationship grows, as evidenced by the success rate of arranged marriages in other parts of the world. It's when the infatuation feelings diminish that the couple has to learn that love is a choice, not a feeling."

If you've spent your life growing up by Westernized standards, you've been bombarded with images and beliefs about love from the time you were born. Probably all of these ideas predicated on the archaic paradigm of romantic love. 

Romantic Love isn't real love. Romantic Love is, most simply put, infatuation. It's based on the model of longing for someone that you can never completely have, and it's this longing that then becomes mistaken for real love. Being in a state of longing is a dramatic and fully alive experience. It creates butterflies in your stomach and light-headedness in your mind. If not understood properly, the one in the longing position can easily believe that she or he is "in love."

If the object of the longing does reciprocate, the lover often runs the other way. (Isn't it always hilarious how running comes into play? Now I've justified it!)  And so begins an all-too-familiar game of chase with each participant alternating between the chaser or runner roles. The game is emotionally intense but ultimately unsatisfying. The bottom line is that real intimacy never occurs. It's dramatic, but safe. It's temporarily painful, but there's no long-term risk involved. But really, who wants to take risks? 

Real love requires that both people show up for each other in the same place, at the same time. Take a step back and  yourself if your lover one is on the same page as you, or if it's one person feeling and coercing affections from the other. There shouldn't be any game-playing (we aren't in elementary school anymore!) real love requires that both people risk their hearts to form a bond of true intimacy. 

What is all comes down to is two people who like each other willing to give it a shot. Two people who see something more than baseline attraction, two people who can admit the other person has faults, but that they are willing to take a chance, because something amazing could happen if you were willing to take a leap.

Oh, baby, did you fart? 'Cause you just blew me away! And other badpick up lines..

Apparently I signed up for a dating site last year that I didn't even remember! Maybe I was drunk, or maybe the cats did it for me, because they are tired of me putting "Mr. And Mrs. Sprite Coca-Cola Dr. Pepper Soda Pop S-------" on all the mail.

Upon cleaning my email box, I found so many messages in the spam folder, I just had to check it out. Be sure to borrow these gems if you want to catch a girl's  eye.

Which one is your favorite? Let's take a vote!
 

My first kiss went a little like this...

The summer between fourth and fifth grade is usually filled with adventure and growing up. Back in these days, I spent a good portion of my summer in Utah, visiting the small town my mom grew up in. Small towns mean bike rides to the cemetery, walks to the only store in town for penny candy and Pepsi in a glass bottle, and new friends. 

Next door to my grandparents was a family with several daughters. Megan was my age, and probably the best summer sister a girl could have. During this particular summer, their cousin, Corey, was visiting his relatives in the house behind my grandparent's farm. 

Corey was my age, maybe a year older, with tan skin and bleached blonde hair and one of those little rat tails in the back. I'm sure by elementary school standards, he was the Jake Ryan of my time.

I remember meeting him through the fence between my grandparent's and Megan's house. His first words were "Hi, I'm Corey and I want to kiss you!" And with that proclamation, I did what I do best. I ran.

I spent a few days running and hiding, I remember spending a day pretending to be asleep on the couch when he came knocking and actually falling asleep for an entire afternoon. When I thought he had given up, I went back to Megan's house, only to have him walk in, while we were eating string cheese and planning our day. I promptly locked myself in the bathroom.

Corey knocked on the door for awhile, but after a bit, Megan's older sister knocked on the door and gave me the all-clear. I opened the door, and was promptly met by a kiss from Corey. I had been duped!

It was pretty unimpressive in the grand scheme of first kisses, but after that, I had no reason to run - it was all over. Plus, Corey had a pretty cool air hockey table, and I got to play on it the rest of that summer.

Online dating duds..

As a single (cat) lady in my early thirties, I've visited many an online dating site. I've read so many profiles that I can tell you that yours probably sucks. 

Here's the gist of it:

1. You hate writing about yourself.

2. Your friend made you join this site.

3. You can't live without sex, food, water, air, and whatever smart phone you have.

4. You love to get out and do things, but you're also a homebody who likes to stay home on Friday nights.

5. What are you doing with your life? Living it (to the fullest).

6. I should message you if: I get it. Or I want to know more.

7. The last book you read? What? You don't really read books. Oh! Wait! How To Make Friends and Influence People.

8. You don't like drama.

9. You aren't very original when you message a girl, see below.