And suddenly, all the love songs were about you.

Infatuation. It's the word of the day. It literally means "A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction." That's all this is, folks. Sure, there's a first time for everything. 

Is infatuation the first step to love? Psssh, if I had the answer to that, I could solve a lot of problems.

According to M. Scott Peck, "Real love is a conscious choice that often employs the rational part of our brains. Some couples have a "free ride" in the early stages of their relationship where they experience the intense feelings characterized by romantic love, but not everyone. And these feelings certainly aren't necessary for real love to emerge as the relationship grows, as evidenced by the success rate of arranged marriages in other parts of the world. It's when the infatuation feelings diminish that the couple has to learn that love is a choice, not a feeling."

If you've spent your life growing up by Westernized standards, you've been bombarded with images and beliefs about love from the time you were born. Probably all of these ideas predicated on the archaic paradigm of romantic love. 

Romantic Love isn't real love. Romantic Love is, most simply put, infatuation. It's based on the model of longing for someone that you can never completely have, and it's this longing that then becomes mistaken for real love. Being in a state of longing is a dramatic and fully alive experience. It creates butterflies in your stomach and light-headedness in your mind. If not understood properly, the one in the longing position can easily believe that she or he is "in love."

If the object of the longing does reciprocate, the lover often runs the other way. (Isn't it always hilarious how running comes into play? Now I've justified it!)  And so begins an all-too-familiar game of chase with each participant alternating between the chaser or runner roles. The game is emotionally intense but ultimately unsatisfying. The bottom line is that real intimacy never occurs. It's dramatic, but safe. It's temporarily painful, but there's no long-term risk involved. But really, who wants to take risks? 

Real love requires that both people show up for each other in the same place, at the same time. Take a step back and  yourself if your lover one is on the same page as you, or if it's one person feeling and coercing affections from the other. There shouldn't be any game-playing (we aren't in elementary school anymore!) real love requires that both people risk their hearts to form a bond of true intimacy. 

What is all comes down to is two people who like each other willing to give it a shot. Two people who see something more than baseline attraction, two people who can admit the other person has faults, but that they are willing to take a chance, because something amazing could happen if you were willing to take a leap.

Oh, baby, did you fart? 'Cause you just blew me away! And other badpick up lines..

Apparently I signed up for a dating site last year that I didn't even remember! Maybe I was drunk, or maybe the cats did it for me, because they are tired of me putting "Mr. And Mrs. Sprite Coca-Cola Dr. Pepper Soda Pop S-------" on all the mail.

Upon cleaning my email box, I found so many messages in the spam folder, I just had to check it out. Be sure to borrow these gems if you want to catch a girl's  eye.

Which one is your favorite? Let's take a vote!
 

My first kiss went a little like this...

The summer between fourth and fifth grade is usually filled with adventure and growing up. Back in these days, I spent a good portion of my summer in Utah, visiting the small town my mom grew up in. Small towns mean bike rides to the cemetery, walks to the only store in town for penny candy and Pepsi in a glass bottle, and new friends. 

Next door to my grandparents was a family with several daughters. Megan was my age, and probably the best summer sister a girl could have. During this particular summer, their cousin, Corey, was visiting his relatives in the house behind my grandparent's farm. 

Corey was my age, maybe a year older, with tan skin and bleached blonde hair and one of those little rat tails in the back. I'm sure by elementary school standards, he was the Jake Ryan of my time.

I remember meeting him through the fence between my grandparent's and Megan's house. His first words were "Hi, I'm Corey and I want to kiss you!" And with that proclamation, I did what I do best. I ran.

I spent a few days running and hiding, I remember spending a day pretending to be asleep on the couch when he came knocking and actually falling asleep for an entire afternoon. When I thought he had given up, I went back to Megan's house, only to have him walk in, while we were eating string cheese and planning our day. I promptly locked myself in the bathroom.

Corey knocked on the door for awhile, but after a bit, Megan's older sister knocked on the door and gave me the all-clear. I opened the door, and was promptly met by a kiss from Corey. I had been duped!

It was pretty unimpressive in the grand scheme of first kisses, but after that, I had no reason to run - it was all over. Plus, Corey had a pretty cool air hockey table, and I got to play on it the rest of that summer.

Online dating duds..

As a single (cat) lady in my early thirties, I've visited many an online dating site. I've read so many profiles that I can tell you that yours probably sucks. 

Here's the gist of it:

1. You hate writing about yourself.

2. Your friend made you join this site.

3. You can't live without sex, food, water, air, and whatever smart phone you have.

4. You love to get out and do things, but you're also a homebody who likes to stay home on Friday nights.

5. What are you doing with your life? Living it (to the fullest).

6. I should message you if: I get it. Or I want to know more.

7. The last book you read? What? You don't really read books. Oh! Wait! How To Make Friends and Influence People.

8. You don't like drama.

9. You aren't very original when you message a girl, see below.

Playground Passion - The Early Years

     Back when I was just a little thing, with tangled hair and chocolate smears on my face, I encountered my first memory of the male species. Now, you might think it's insignificant, but those days on the playground during recess can teach a person so much about love and dating. It all started after lunch in the cafeteria. I would dump the milk carton, stuffed full of the food I didn't eat, and send my tray along on the conveyor belt in the elementary school cafeteria, push the heavy double doors open, and head outside for the longest break of the school day. Skipping over to my friends to play tether ball, I was cut off by Richard, who stood in front of me and said those words that most elementary school girls would giggle over, "You better run, because if I catch you, I'm going to kiss you!" I dropped my popsicle and promptly turned and ran to the far end of the field.

      He chased me like this for three weeks straight, always making the same threat. For three weeks, I ran at full speed, dodging kids, playground equipment, and aides, always fearful that he just might catch me and actually put his cootie-infested lips on me. The bell signaling that lunch recess was over, was the best part of those weeks. It meant I could return to the safety of my classroom, and my pod, which Richard wasn't in. I never could quite figure out what I'd do if he did catch me and I didn't understand why he was chasing me, or why he wanted to kiss me. Lucky for me, it didn't happen. After three weeks of solid running, he lost interest and returned to games of dodgeball and left me to my friends.

     When I look back, I'm relieved that my instinct to run has always been there. Maybe I just have a difficult time seeing what others see in me, although I'm certainly not lacking in self confidence. Maybe we all just want what we can't have, which was what made Richard chase me for three weeks straight on the dusty playground. I ran because I didn't want him, which could have been because he clearly wanted me. Of course, I wanted Anthony, and he didn't know I existed, which is usually how it works.

     I think sometimes our primitive playground games transfer to our adult lives and we follow the same patterns now. 28 years ago, I couldn't figure out why Richard was chasing me. 28 years later, I still don't understand why men are interested in me. Do they see something in me that I don't? Isn't there someone better suited for them?

     In my life, I think I've run from every man who has ever been seriously interested in me. Do they call it playing hard to catch? I don't think I am playing. I've always assumed that the issue was with them, they weren't attractive enough or smart enough, and me? I'm both of those. They didn't care enough and I needed affection. There was no romance. They live too far away and I don't do distance. I've always thought that the guys who like me are "not my type." This cound be true. The men that I am attracted to are never the ones that are interested in me, outside of being a friend. Did I mention I'm a great friend? But there are always two sides to a story, and maybe I'm just afraid that I don't deserve their attention and affection. A great guy once turned me on to the quote, "We accept the love we think we deserve," and maybe I just don't think I am worthy. I've always hated to disappoint people, and maybe, once they get inside my world, they'll be disappointed. They'll quickly learn that I'm not someone exciting or special. I'm just the girl who wants to watch Netflix and knit after dinner. I can't understand why someone would be so attracted to me when they barely know me, so I'm positive that once they do, it will all be wrong. Maybe that's why I run.


     At 33 years old, I'd like to think I've reached a point where I wouldn't run anymore. But that's not how it works. You can't think something into existence.